Destiny

Lord and Lady Vexel were sitting by the fire one evening, relaxing after having just wrapping up their latest case which their Boswell, Jane Gray, insisted upon calling "The Escape of the Mad Boffins". Lady Vexel held her tea cup - Chamomile, one teaspoon honey - in one hand, the Journal of Applied Thaumaturgy in her lap, while Lord Vexel lazily scanned through the many copies of the Times that they had not had the chance to read for leisure while racing along the moors earlier in the week.

"Hogwash," Lord Vexel said, through his walrus mustache (it so needed to be trimmed, Lady Vexel thought, but her hints to that effect hadn't yet penetrated her husband's brain).

"What's that, Robert?" Lady Vexel said, looking up from her journal.

"All this society rubbish ... pure, unadulterated hogwash, the lot of it!"

"Oh?" Lady Vexel said, sipping at the still hot tea.

"Listen to this, Emily," Lord Vexel replied. "Daring Adventurer Wins New Beauty's Hand:

Wealthy Dame Theosophilia Von Trapp recently announced the betrothal of her beautiful daughter Moss to Capt. James De Woldt, after a daring race pit the decorated fighter ace against scion of society Sir Alan Pathe."

"Oh yes," Lady Vexel smiled, her eyes lighting up as she remembered the society gossip. "It was a truly romantic story. Moss was ... a wallflower, not truly hideous, mind you, but certainly very plain, and Dame Von Trapp despaired at ever finding a suitable match for her. In time, she finally summoned up her courage (and her carriage) and called our colleague Dr. Eigenstatd to their estates at ... um, Tor Trapp. For several weeks, he worked his magic upon the young girl: a nip here, a tuck there, a few strategically placed saline balloons, and by the time he was done, he'd positively transformed her. She was beautiful, and so ready for society."

"Soon Sir Pathe and the good Captain both fell under her spell, and things were coming to a head, especially since the Captain, while well-decorated, was certainly not the social catch that a peer of the realm would have been. However, I have been given to understand that Moss actually preferred the dashing captain, and rather shuddered at her mother's choice. So, before being locked into a marriage that she didn't want, young Moss came up with a most ingenius test - both of her prospective beaus were to start at the other end of the island and race to their home. The one who arrived first would be the one to receive her hand in marriage.

"The story was in the paper for several days - each day with the press eagerly following both men, through swamp and over mountain and across arid desert land. For a while, it looked like Sir Pathe would win out regardless, but on the last day he ran afoul of pygmy hairdressers and the good Captain was able to reach the doors of Tor Trapp first."

"Hah," barked Lord Vexel, who was rather more enamored with the values of his own class than Lady Vexel thought good for him, "it was just pure luck that this chappie won out."

"No, my dear husband," Lady Vexel said, her voice sweet with romance, "It was destiny, pure and simple."

"Destiny? Hogwash!"

"No dear. Surely it is obvious ..."

"Eh?"

"Oh, yes," Lady Vexel purred. "You see, if you build a better Moss Trapp, then De Woldt will always beat a Pathe to the Tor."

"Er ... um ... yes," Lord Vexel muttered. "Geoffrey, where is my brandy?!"